I work at Starbucks. I used to force pastries on other people in order to feel better about my own decision to eat them.

With each sweet bite of coffee cake I felt overwhelmed with guilt. Thoughts such as . . . “How long will it take me to burn this off?” “Now that I’ve taken one bite, might as well go all out and try everything,” or “I won’t eat anything else for the rest of the day.” These thoughts are obviously not normal. Further . . . one of my co-workers is complaining about her weight issues and how if only she were skinny then she could be happy and have a boyfriend. I want to slap someone for this comment.

Three other girls and I are working that night. Like most nights . . . discussions on perfection and weight loss are frequent. Damn it! Not once have I seen any of the male co-workers complain about their figures and become anxious at the thought of sampling a pumpkin scone.
Further perpetuating my overwhelming sense of body image . . . I look at larger women and feel a sense of consolation, as if I should treat these people like those who are differently able, with sensitivity and kindness. I’m drawn to them. Although I am not obese I feel a deep connect with anyone whom appears to be an outsider in this perfection driven community. At the same time I look at thin women as people who have self-control and real happiness. I compare myself to them and usually feel jealousy and further self loathing.

What I see in my own thoughts is perpetuated in nearly all of the women I have met in some form or another, particularly within the southern California region.

Who can I blame and where does the slapping belong for our warped sense of bodily reality? mommies, the media, The Swan, plastic surgery commercials, diet corporations . . . the list is endless. Let me discuss just a couple for starters . . .

I sit in the car and listen to the radio ads. On blares, “Do you think no ones noticed those extra ten pounds? Think again!" “Do you want a flatter tummy and a bigger chest in time for swimsuit season?” “Then come to the friendly folks at “insert name." The catch of the ad is that you will receive a free limo ride to surgery by calling in immediately. It is here I find the perfect example of Southern California degradation. Enforcing the need to have the perfect body and belittling you with the incentive of a god damn limo ride. I turn off the radio and yell out loud in frustration.

I used to watch the popular television show “The Swan.” Almost, obsessively I watched. On this show women deemed ugly ducklings of our society are given a chance to be happy. Happy as defined by changing drastically the way they look to be defined as beautiful. They then compete in a culminating “swan” beauty competition at the end of the season, where many are then told they are not pretty enough once again.

My message to all women: DO NOT watch television shows such as Dr.90210, The Swan, or Extreme Makeover. By watchin you are allowing their success and applauding a society based on superficiality. These shows will just continue the brainwashing which our society has become so good at . . .you will no longer consider your intelligence or your individuality as the most important aspects of self, but instead your pants size will determine your self-worth. It starts with a choice . . . you can’t diss it until you dismiss it.